The Art of Moving On – A Guide to Healing

All good things come to an end, and then it’s time to move on. Sometimes, things end before we are ready, and that can be traumatic. Sometimes, it’s no fault of our own, and sometimes it is. Nevertheless, when something we lose something we love, whether it be a job, relationship, marriage, or any number of things, we can feel lost, overwhelmed, angry, and hundreds of other emotions. And though it may seem unfair, our choices are rather limited. We can become angry, bitter, and wallow in negativity, or we can dig for resilience, reinvent ourselves, and move on. Moving on isn’t easy. It’s a journey. And sadly, it’s a journey that all of us will have to make—probably multiple times in our lives. Let’s look more deeply at what we mean by moving on.

Definition of Moving On

We’ll provide three definitions of what is meant by moving on and then share the common elements of all these definitions for greater clarity.

“Moving on” refers to the process of letting go of past experiences and emotions that may be hindering one’s current well-being. It involves a conscious decision to release negative feelings, thoughts, or memories and to focus on the present and future.

“Moving on” is the process of healing and adapting after a significant life event, such as a breakup, loss, or trauma. It involves letting go of the past, accepting the present, and looking forward to the future.

“Moving on” is the process of acknowledging and integrating a difficult experience, such as a loss or trauma, into your life story. It’s not about forgetting the past or erasing emotions, but rather learning and growing from them while letting go of their negative hold. This healing journey involves accepting the present moment and making a conscious decision to focus on the future, free from the burdens of the past.

The Core of Moving On

When you combine each of the definitions above, you will find four core elements.

Acknowledging a Difficult Experience

Letting Go of Negativity

Focus on the Present and Future

Growth and Integration

ACKNOWLEDGING A DIFFICULT SITUATION

This is the starting point. Before we can move on, we must first acknowledge that we are or have been in a difficult situation. When we face something traumatic, we must accept the fact that we are in a difficult situation and then ensure that we are taking proper care of ourselves, show self-compassion, and realize that we may face a certain amount of denial about our situation.

Self-care

Taking care of oneself is crucial during the healing process. This includes physical health, mental health, emotional well-being, and engaging in activities that promote healing and growth.

Self-compassion

Practicing self-compassion is crucial during the healing process. It’s essential to recognize that failure and setbacks are a natural part of life and to treat oneself with kindness and understanding.

The Stages of Denial

The five stages of denial are as follows: The five stages of denial are a model of how people cope with grief and loss. They were proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying.

Denial: This is the initial stage in which individuals may refuse to acknowledge the reality of the loss. It serves as a defense mechanism to buffer the immediate shock, allowing one to process the news at one’s own pace.
Anger: As the denial fades, the pain of the loss becomes more pronounced, and one may redirect this pain through anger. It can be directed at other people, objects, or the situation itself.
Bargaining: In this stage, individuals may dwell on what could have been done to prevent the loss. They may make deals or promises in an attempt to postpone or mitigate the loss.
Depression: A deep sense of sadness and despair can set in as the individual begins to understand the magnitude of the loss and its impact on their life.
Acceptance: The final stage is characterized by coming to terms with the reality of the loss. It doesn’t mean one is okay with what happened, but rather that they have found a way to live with this new reality.

The Process of Moving On

Now that we’ve talked about acknowledging our difficult situation let’s get more specific about the process of moving on. This begins with a willingness to let go of negativity and release the burdens of the past. It’s about shedding emotional baggage, repetitive negative thoughts, and the constant pull to dwell on what’s been. To help us, we will introduce some ideas from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), specifically from what they call “Wise Mind.”

Dialectical Behavior Therapy – Wise Mind

The Wise Mind represents a balanced state of mind where an individual can access both emotions and logical reasoning. It’s considered the integration of two states of mind: the Emotional Mind, which is driven by feelings, and the Rational Mind, which is driven by logic and facts. The Wise Mind is where the emotional and rational mind overlap, allowing for Balanced Decision-Making that considers both the emotional and factual aspects of a situation, leading to more effective problem-solving and emotional regulation.

To help regulate negative emotions, Wise Mind uses the acronym A-C-C-E-P-T-S. We will quickly cover this.

Activities: Engaging in tasks or actions that require focus and can distract from distressing emotions. For instance, Signing up for a cooking class to focus on learning new recipes instead of dwelling on stress.

Contributions: Doing something kind for others or volunteering can shift focus away from oneself and onto helping others. For instance, Volunteering at a local animal shelter to help care for pets in need.

Comparisons: Comparing oneself to others who may be less fortunate or in a worse situation can provide perspective. For instance, Reflecting on a time when you faced greater challenges and recognizing how far you’ve come since then.

Emotions: One can induce different emotions by reading, watching movies, or listening to music to change one’s emotional state. For instance, Watching a comedy show can elicit laughter and improve one’s mood.

Pushing Away: Mentally pushing away distressing thoughts or situations temporarily to gain respite. For instance, Deciding to set aside worries about an upcoming exam until the next day when you can study and prepare.

Thoughts: Direct attention to neutral or pleasant thoughts to distract from distressing emotions. For instance, Focus on planning a future vacation or visualize a peaceful scene to replace anxious thoughts.

Sensations: Using intense physical sensations like holding ice or taking a hot shower to distract from emotional pain. For instance, Holding a piece of ice in your hand to focus on the cold sensation rather than emotional distress.

Perspective Shift

One reason we find it hard to move on is how we interpret past events. Using a Wise-Mind approach helps us to make the perspective shift we need to let go of the past and move on. Learning to see the situation from a different angle, with a broader lens of time and experience, can help us find meaning and reduce the negativity’s hold. Here are some things that can help us with our perspective shift.

The Power of Generosity: Focusing on helping others and practicing acts of kindness can be a powerful way to move on. Shifting your focus from personal struggles to the needs of others can create a sense of purpose and connection, fostering positive emotions.

Identifying Emotional Habits: We all have emotional patterns, and some can be more detrimental than others. It is crucial to recognize negative thought spirals or rumination tendencies. Once identified, you can begin to challenge them and replace them with healthier responses. Techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be helpful for this process.

Silencing the Inner Critic: Our inner critic can be a harsh voice, constantly reminding us of past mistakes and fueling negativity. Learning to recognize and challenge this self-talk is essential. Mindfulness practices and self-compassion exercises can help you silence the inner critic and build self-esteem.

Metta Meditation: This meditation practice cultivates loving-kindness towards oneself and others. It can be a powerful tool for fostering self-compassion and letting go of negativity.

By actively engaging with these strategies, you can loosen the grip of negativity and move forward with a lighter heart and a more positive outlook.

Focusing on the Present and Future: Embracing New Possibilities

Moving on isn’t just about letting go of the past; it’s also about embracing the present and setting your sights on the future. Remember, there is “no future in the past.” Here are some suggestions on how to shift your focus from the past to the future so that you may create a more positive outlook.

Connecting with Yourself: Reconnect with your passions and interests. Explore new hobbies, revisit old favorites, or spend time in nature. Doing activities, you enjoy grounds you in the present moment and reminds you of the things that bring you joy.

Letting Go of the Past (Forgiveness): Holding onto anger and resentment towards yourself or others only hinders your ability to move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what happened but rather releasing the negativity associated with it. This allows you to focus your energy on the present and future possibilities.

Letting Go of the Past (Acceptance): Dwelling on what could have been or what went wrong is a recipe for stagnation. Accepting the past, even the painful parts, allows you to acknowledge it without letting it define you. Focus on the lessons learned and move forward with a sense of acceptance.

Establishing a Purpose: Having a sense of purpose, something that motivates and inspires you can be a powerful tool for moving on. Consider what truly matters to you and set goals that align with your values. Working towards a purpose gives your life direction and meaning in the present and future.

Living in the Moment: Mindfulness practices like meditation or simply focusing on your breath can help you become more present. Savor the small joys of everyday life and appreciate the people and experiences around you. By grounding yourself in the present, you can create a more fulfilling and positive existence.

Growth and Integration

Now that we’ve discussed the importance of accepting the present moment as it is and not as we wish it would be let’s discuss how we can experience growth and integration by reinventing ourselves. Reinvention is not a complete departure from who you were; it’s an evolution into the person you aspire to become. The journey involves acknowledging and embracing change. Here are a few things for you to consider as you reinvent yourself.

Assessing Your Skills, Talents, and Interests for a Career Change
Identifying New Paths and Opportunities
Network with people and learn more
Upskilling and Reskilling if you need to
Considering Entrepreneurship and Self-Employment Options
Managing Finances During a Career Transition
Coping with Rejection and Building Resilience
Embracing Change and Finding New Purpose

Conclusion

Overall, moving on is a complex process that requires time, patience, and self-compassion. It’s essential to recognize that healing takes time and that setbacks and challenges are a natural part of the process. By focusing on self-care, self-compassion, and positive emotional habits, it’s possible to move on and create a fulfilling life.