We’ve all been there: faced with a disagreement, our first instinct might be to run away and hide. While conflict-avoidance seems peaceful on the surface, it can actually create more problems in the long run. Let’s delve into the world of “conflict avoidance” and explore why, sometimes, facing the challenge head-on is the truest path to peace.
While avoiding conflict might seem like the kind thing to do, there’s a key distinction between genuine conflict resolution and unhealthy “conflict avoidance.” The latter involves behaviors that ultimately do more harm than good. Instead of addressing issues, conflict avoidance encourages us to run away from our problems, leaving them unresolved and festering beneath the surface.
Conflict-avoidance involves behaviors that ultimately do more harm than good. Instead of addressing issues, conflict avoidance encourages us to run away from our problems, leaving them unresolved and festering beneath the surface.
Why Do We Avoid Conflict?
Many factors contribute to conflict avoidance, and fear can play a big role. But here are three potential reasons we may be afraid of conflict and some suggestions for managing it. They include intimidation, unpleasantness, and self-doubt.
Intimidation
Feeling threatened or scared of the other person can trigger a flight response. While prioritizing your safety is crucial, remember that running away might not always be the answer.
What to do if you feel intimidated?
- Assess the situation: If you feel truly unsafe, prioritize your well-being and remove yourself from the situation. Seek support from trusted individuals or authorities if necessary.
- Set boundaries: If the situation allows, calmly and assertively communicate your boundaries. Phrases like “I won’t tolerate being spoken to that way” or “I feel threatened by your behavior” can establish limits.
- Seek mediation: Suggest involving a neutral third party, like a colleague, supervisor, or mediator, to facilitate a safe and respectful conversation.
Unpleasantness
Dealing with someone who’s loud, aggressive, or simply unkind can be unpleasant. However, avoiding them might embolden them to continue their behavior.
How to handle unpleasant people?
- Acknowledge their emotions: Show empathy by saying something like “I understand you’re frustrated, but…” This helps de-escalate the situation and opens the door to constructive dialogue.
- Focus on the issue, not the person: Frame the problem from a “we” perspective, stating how their behavior impacts you or the situation. Avoid accusatory language.
- Use “I” statements: Express your feelings and needs honestly and respectfully. For example, “I feel hurt when you speak to me that way. I need us to communicate calmly.”
Self-doubt
Worrying about being rejected, criticized, or judged can make expressing your concerns seem daunting. But remember, open communication is key to healthy relationships.
How to handle self-doubt?
- Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge your fear but remind yourself that your opinions and feelings are valid.
- Start small: Practice expressing your concerns in low-stakes situations to build confidence.
- Prepare what you want to say: Rehearse key points beforehand to feel more confident and clear during the conversation.
- Focus on your values: Remind yourself why this issue matters to you and that expressing your concerns aligns with your values.
- Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist for guidance and encouragement.
Other Reasons We Shy Away from Conflict
Fear isn’t the only culprit. Sometimes, we avoid conflict due to a lack of skills, misguided beliefs, and people-pleasing.
Lack of Skills
Not knowing how to navigate conflict effectively can lead to feeling overwhelmed and avoiding the situation altogether.
Peacemaker Responses
- Seek training: Several resources exist online and offline to learn communication and conflict resolution skills. Take courses, workshops, or read books on the topic.
- Practice with trusted individuals: Role-play potential conflict scenarios with friends, family, or colleagues to practice expressing yourself calmly and assertively.
- Join a support group: Connecting with others who share similar challenges can provide encouragement and practical advice.
Misguided beliefs
Thinking conflict is pointless or unsolvable can discourage us from even trying. Fortunately, learning effective communication and conflict-resolution techniques can empower us to address issues constructively.
Peacemaker Responses:
- Challenge your thoughts: Identify and question the assumptions behind your beliefs about conflict. Are they based on past experiences or personal biases?
- Seek positive examples: Look for real-life situations where conflict was constructively resolved, demonstrating its potential for positive outcomes.
- Reframe conflict as an opportunity: View conflict as a chance to learn, grow, and strengthen relationships.
People-Pleasing
Putting others’ needs before your own might seem kind, but it can lead to resentment and inauthenticity. Remember, healthy relationships require open communication and expressing your needs.
Peacemaker Responses
- Set healthy boundaries: Learn to distinguish between genuine kindness and self-sacrifice. Practice saying “no” to requests that don’t align with your needs and values.
- Develop assertiveness skills: Learn to express your needs, wants, and opinions respectfully and confidently without being aggressive or passive-aggressive.
- Focus on win-win solutions: Remember that healthy relationships involve collaboration and compromise. Seek outcomes that benefit everyone involved.
What Should I Do If I’m Conflict-Avoidant?
According to mental health professionals, here are three things you might consider if you need help working through your tendencies of conflict avoidance:
Be patient with yourself.
Changing ingrained patterns takes time and effort. Celebrate small victories and keep practicing. Focus on the daily progress, not just the final destination. Each time you express your needs assertively, have a difficult conversation or navigate a tense situation without shutting down, that’s a win! Be proud of yourself for stepping outside your comfort zone, even if it feels like baby steps.
Seek professional help if needed.
A therapist can provide guidance and support as you work to overcome conflict avoidance. Understanding the root: Therapists are trained to help you explore the underlying reasons behind your conflict avoidance. This could involve delving into past experiences that shaped your current behavior, identifying anxieties or fears around conflict, or uncovering negative beliefs about yourself or others that contribute to avoiding it. By gaining a deeper understanding of your “why,” you can start to address the issue at its core.
Develop your communication skills.
Communication is key. When we think of conflict, visions of raised voices and angry exchanges might come to mind. However, much conflict stems from unaddressed differences and a lack of clear communication. This is where open and honest communication becomes critical for anyone wanting to move beyond conflict avoidance. Here’s how:
- It builds trust and understanding: By expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly, you invite others to do the same. This transparency fosters trust and allows both parties to understand each other’s perspectives. This shared understanding is crucial for finding common ground and navigating disagreements constructively.
- It prevents misunderstandings: Assumptions and unspoken resentments can easily fuel conflict. Open communication clears the air, prevents misinterpretations, and allows you to address issues directly before they escalate.
- It allows for assertive expression: Conflict avoidance often involves passive communication, where needs go unexpressed or resentment builds. Open communication empowers you to state your needs assertively, respecting yourself while acknowledging the other person’s perspective.
- It facilitates problem-solving: When disagreement arises, open communication creates space for a collaborative approach. You can share concerns, listen actively to the other person, and work together towards solutions that meet everyone’s needs.
- It strengthens relationships: Conflict is inevitable, but open communication allows you to navigate it productively. By expressing your feelings honestly and respectfully, you can maintain healthy relationships, even when you disagree.
Remember, Avoiding Conflict Doesn’t Make It Disappear
While conflict avoidance might offer temporary relief, it’s like pushing dust under the rug: the issues remain, often growing bigger and more complex over time. By choosing to address conflict constructively, we create opportunities for genuine understanding, resolution, and stronger relationships.
Conflict isn’t the enemy. It’s how we approach it that makes the difference. By developing communication skills, challenging unhelpful beliefs, and prioritizing healthy self-expression, we can transform conflict into a catalyst for growth and connection.
Additional Sources
- You might want to check out our video lesson on Unit 2: Common Approaches to Peacemaking
- YouTube video on Approach Avoidance Conflict
- Conflict Avoidance: Why It’s Harmful, How to Overcome It & More: This article explains what conflict avoidance is, how it affects your health and relationships, and how to overcome it with some strategies.
- How to NOT Be Conflict Avoidant | Psych Central: This article provides some tips for overcoming conflict avoidance and handling confrontations in a healthy way.
- Conflict avoidance – Wikipedia: This article gives a brief overview of conflict avoidance, its methods, and its consequences.
- Conflict Avoidance In Relationships: What Is It And Why Does It Happen …: This article explores the reasons behind conflict avoidance in relationships and how to address it.
- Why Conflict Avoidance Is an Unhealthy Way to Deal with Problems: This article discusses the negative effects of conflict avoidance and how to deal with problems in a constructive way.
In addition to these websites, you may also find it helpful to:
- Read books on conflict resolution: There are many great books available on this topic, such as “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, and “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
- Take a conflict resolution course: There are many online and in-person courses available that can teach you the skills you need to resolve conflict effectively.
- Talk to a therapist: If you are struggling to overcome conflict avoidance on your own, a therapist can provide you with support and guidance.